I understand the issues in the New York Times article quite well. It’s why I was left feeling conflicted. My husband Seth and I have been working out our own parental balancing act since our daughter Ahleia was born last year. Seth also has a son from a previous marriage and had very intentionally chosen to be actively involved in River’s daily life and upbringing through his own version of equally-shared parenting with his ex-wife. Yet, things shifted a bit more radically once Ahleia was born.
My mothering began with fathering
They actually began shifting within 24 hours of Ahleia’s birth. I had a massive post-partum hemmorhage and am fortunate to be here, writing about it now. I was in the hospital for about a week after she was born, and for a while could not do much other than hold her from time to time. For the first two weeks of her life, I did not change a single diaper. It was her father who took care of her – changed her diapers, soothed her and helped feed her. All while simultaneously tending to me, chasing down the lactation consultants and updating our families on my progress. Once I was home, my friend Sharon, my mother and mother-in-law all spent time helping out until I could take care of Ahleia without assistance.
But in the beginning, Seth did it all.
Yay for FWA!
I took four months of maternity leave and prior to my return, my manager called me to discuss how we would restructure my work schedule. I was easily able to negotiate a four day full-time work week. I go into the office three days and work from home one day per week. Seth retained his normal five day schedule. No one at his job asked him if he wanted to pursue a flexible-work arrangement. I’m sure it never even occurred to them.
Most companies just don’t get that productivity and results do not always result from five days in the office right under the boss’s nose. I’ve also been telecommuting at least part of the work week for the past 8 years, as part of a virtual team based in several offices in the U.S. and India.
However, the article tends to give corporate America a bad rap. Granted, many companies need to get a reality check, but don’t assume you will always have to battle it out with The Man in order to have quality time with your family. I think a lot of it has to do with the size of the company you work for, their acceptance of diversity and how clued in management is about how technology can make people work smarter and more efficiently.
Flex time = free time, right?
Ironically, there is a lingering perception that I have more flexibility in my schedule because of my “flexible work arrangement.” There was an interesting point mentioned in the article – that women’s jobs are always perceived as being more flexible than men’s, regardless of their job title or responsibilities. That perception was challenged recently when our nanny was bed-ridden after a nasty case of gastroenteritis and I could not just take two days off to watch Ahleia. Ultimately, Seth and I had to find ways to modify our schedules so that one of us could watch her while the other one worked. I won’t say it went smoothly or easily, but we got through it.
Tie one on (the apron, that is)
I travel for my job. My husband does not. Sometimes the travel is infrequent, but during certain times of the year, I may be on a plane two or three times a month. When I do go out of town, he takes on the responsibility of caring for two children, in addition to his full-time job and all of the normal household tasks. It’s like being a temporary single parent, but he doesn’t complain and he actively supports my career.
On Thursday, I’m leaving for India for 9 days, which is a long time to be away from my family. It’s also a long time for him to assume total responsibility for the kids, the house, the dog…everything. I’m sure he’ll return the favor one day. 
Happy Father’s Day!
